It Feels Like Home

I found it funny that this was in my inbox this morning... I found it even funnier that I watched it considering I usually don't have time to do so.  The humor in it is because I have been praying and discerning about where my "home" is.

We all have dreams we dream about, whether it be to win the lottery, to have a great job, to get out of debt, to just be happy, to get married, or to just be home. What is home anyways? I personally don't think it is the place you sleep, I believe it is, as the old phrase says, where your heart is. So where is your home? Is it at work? Family? Church? Friends? Community? Is it split between many things? Or is it rooted in Christ from where all other things flow? (Matthew 6:33)

A Unique Way of Learning Patience

Here are L'Arche, we have prayer each night with the core members. At our specific L'Arche community, Irenicon near Boston, we have four houses and each house has prayer at their own home with the assistants and core members in them.  I live at Assisi house with 4 core members, 2 live-in, 1 live-off assistant, and the founding member. At each home prayer is very unique, just like the core members and the people themselves who are praying, and yet the foundation is the same: we are all crying out to a God who loves us, adores us and is hearing our plea.

At Assisi house the nightly prayer routine is basically as follows: opening song from a CD, Chris picks a short verse from a children's book by Jean Vanier, Phil "reads" from it and says a prayer, Deb reads the prayer petitions and we all add our own petitions, then we gather in a circle around the candle and pray the Our Father. You may read this and say to yourself, wonderful, you pray, that's great. Why share every detail? Well, it is in one of those "details" where I have been learning a great deal of patience!! If we are truly open to the Lord and what He has to teach us, and if we truly surrender our WHOLE lives to Him, and we listen EVERY moment, then we can grow in ways we would never imagine. 

When it's time to say our petitions there is a core member who goes on and on for what can feel like 10 minutes naming every person he has ever known and people who are very close to him. He prays for situations that is going on in life at the time, things that happened over 10 years ago, etc. To make it even longer, he has slight alzeimer's so he forgets where he was and names things all over again. When I was first introduced to this "practice" at Assisi, some other assistants would just get up in the middle of his list and form the cirle for the Our Father and so I got up also and we began the prayer. I didn't think anything of it. But this past weekend it was just him, another core member and myself. We began prayer then the petitions and I had an urge inside to let him keep going as long as he needed. I listened and prayed with him in my heart. I heard things I never heard him say before and never knew he had in his mind. I never knew he actually cared for these things or people. This little down syndrome man I love so dearly who gets rushed so often ... if we just sit and listen long enough we get to hear the deepest part of his heart where he keeps the most sincere prayers.

St. Padre Pio once said, "Pray, hope and don't worry." I feel like our core members live this out so well, if we let them. Sometimes we push them too much. When we let them be at peace and pray and connect with the God who loves them soooo much, we are letting them do what they were created to do: be children of God.

Becoming a Child...

"At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 18:1-4

Living in the society today, the definition of that phrase "become like children" seems so off. It has been twisted, ripped apart and blended to mean something it is not. We look at the "average" child's personality is and think THIS is what Christ is calling me to be like? This obnoxious, tantrum throwing, yelling, prideful, not caring, selfish, messy kid??? Right. Become like children... what is He thinking?

But that is not what he means. It's at moments like this, when we see a video like this young boy singing his heart out to God, tears welling in his eyes because of the overflowing love He has for his Savior and that he has the privilege to sing for His God on stage, not just once, but numerous times, including duets. This boy humbled himself, not caring if he would be made fun of at school, not caring about being bullied, instead put faith first. THAT is the true definition of becoming like a child. Putting ALLL faith and trust in Christ. That is the child of God I want to be. Raising my arms up to my Heavenly Father and saying, "Daddy, I love you. Thank you for all you have given me. Help me give it back to you through any means I can."

Communion

When I am really in conscious
communion with the reality of the
WILD
PASSIONATE
RELENTLESS
STUBBORN
PURSUING
TENTER LOVE
of God in Jesus Christ
for me
Then it's not that
I HAVE TO
OR I GOT TO
OR I MUST
OR I SHOULD
OR I OUGHT,
I want to change
Because I know
how deeply I am loved.

-brennan manning

Suffering, Patience, and Preparing for a Huge Storm!

"My son, when you come to serve the Lord,
prepare yourself for trials.
Be sincere of heart and steadfast,undisturbed in time of adversity.
Cling to him, forsake him not; thus will your future be great.
Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient;
For in fire gold is teasted,
and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.
Trust God and he will help you;
make straight your ways and hope in him.

You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy,
turn not away lest you fall.
You who fear the Lord, trust him, and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasthing joy and mercy.
Study the generations long past and understand;
has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed?
Has anyone persevered in his fear and been forsaken?
has anyone called uopon him and been rebuffed?
Compassionate and merciful is the Lord;
he forgives sins, he saves in time of trouble.

Woe to craven hearts and drooping hands,
to the sinner who treads a double path!
Woe to the faint of heart who trust not,
who therefore will have no shelter!
Woe to you who have lost hope!
What will you do at the visitation of the Lord?
Those who fear the Lord disobey no this words;
Those who love him keep his ways.
Those who fear the Lord seek to please him,
those who love him are filled with his law.
Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts and humble themselves before him.
Let us fall into the hands of the Lord and not into the hands on men,
For equal to his majesty is the mercy that he shows."

-Sirach 2

The Burden

(originally) August 19, 2011

The other day I went to pick Donald up from his program around 3pm as I do often. I hadn’t had a chance to stop by church to have prayer time so I asked Donald if it was ok if we stop by for 5 minutes to pray and his eyes lit up, “Yaaaa!!!” So since it was right around the corner from his program we went, but what happened next I had never expected.

We walked in the huge, dark, cathedral-like church where one man was kneeling praying a rosary. We went in and sat in the pew. Donald, being a gentleman, took off his hat. I knelt, then Donald sat on the edge of the pew, folded his arms one on the other and put them on the back of the pew in front of him. Then took a huge sigh and rested his head on his arms, facedown. I just stared at him, but you could tell he wasn’t into his surroundings. He was into his own type of prayer, not aloud, but in his heart. He had his own burden he was carrying but never spoke of it and finally he is letting it out to Christ. I couldn’t speak, I just wanted to cry. This poor little guy gets some assistants (through their weaknesses) always yelling at him because he is slow, doesn’t move quick, doesn’t listen, doesn’t remember why he does what he does, he is stubborn and wants things his way… and he has burdens too, just like everyone else. And yet, what does he do with those burdens? He carries them to the cross of Christ, never unloading them on anyone else. He carries His cross. I’ve noticed this in some other core members also.

I asked Donald, “What are you praying for?” I didn’t even ask him if he was praying because I just knew in my heart he was and sure enough he responded right away, “Sally.” Sally is the mother of one of our other core members. She passed away last week and Donald knew her well and is going to her wake and funeral with some other people. I pointed at the crucifix and asked him if he knew who that was and he said Jesus. I also asked him some other questions about Jesus and told him some stuff about Christ’s love and it seemed to make him feel better.

We had to start heading back and as we got up the guy in the pew started talking to us because he recognized Donald from bowling and knew some of the other core members in the community. This guy’s brother was having serious brain surgery. Donald and I promised to pray for him and his brother. It was an amazing divine appointment. Those 5 minutes with Donald I will never forget. It’s like it says in scripture: God doesn’t speak in the earthquake or the storms, but in the whisper of the wind. I feel it’s been in the small moments of L’Arche where I have been most impacted, not the big, giant, festival like stuff, but in those small divine appointments.

Lost Paradise Now Found

August 29, 2011

I was flying back to MA from AZ and listening to JJ Heller’s song Garden Variety. In that song are the following lyrics:

“Garden variety/ Generations of people seeking peace/
Garden variety/ Everyone’s falling/With restless hearts
and troubled minds we realize this fallen world doesn’t
seem quite right/Somewhere near the dawn of time we lost
our paradise/ We lost our paradise/Broken humanity/a shadow
of what we were meant to be/Broken humanity, everyone’s
falling… We lost our paradise.”

While I know what Heller is getting at, since I am flying back from a dear friend’s funeral, this had a different type of meaning for me.

Yes, in this world there are many people searching for peace. And yes, this fallen world doesn’t seem quite right. We see so much suffering, pain, natural disasters, babies born (as society would say) “not normal” or children diagnosed with terminal cancer. It just… doesn’t… seem … quite… right. Somewhere near the dawn of time, in the time of Adam and Eve, we lost our paradise. And yet, I feel Heller misses something in her song. She misses the glimpses of Heavenly Paradise God gives us in this world. For example, one of these “glimpses” is a person whom so many of my friends, as well as myself, miss terribly. He passed away one week ago.

While God does give a taste of His Heavenly Paradise mostly through the sacraments, especially the Eucharist, there are other ways we can experience it also. I personally experienced it through my little buddy (who I also felt was a big brother) Thor Swenson. I think I have bragged about Thor way too much since I met him 3 years ago, but he deserved it. If I have ever met anyone who emulated Christ most, it was him and he did it without trying. I experienced paradise through Thor because I experienced healing, love, joy, peace and felt Christ’s presence the more I spent time with him. The more I saw Thor, the more I longed to stay with him. And the more I longed to spend time with Thor, the more I longed to spend time with Christ. At times, I felt I was spending time with Jesus. (I’m not being heretical calling Thor “Christ.” What I am saying is I felt Christ’s presence through Him in an extraordinary way.)

Thor, my down syndrome friend, my never-failing buddy, who was always there for me and never judged me for who I was, said, did, etc. always listened, loved and cared. He loved till the very end. He carried his cross always with no complaints (except for bath time). He was part of my paradise that I found.

God gives us glimpses of His Heavenly Paradise. Some ask, “Why should I look forward to heaven? Isn’t it going to be boring just being up there and worshiping God all the time?” People should look for these glimpses of heavenly paradise that He gives and then, along with the grace of the sacraments, will some of those people understand the greatness of what He has in store for them.

Thor: More Than Meets the Eye

August 23, 2011

This past Sunday, August 21, 2011, Thor Odin Swenson left this earthly world and moved onto the heavenly one. There are so many things I could say about this situation, so many that I want to say that there is no possible way it could be cohesive, therefore it is just going to be said.

When I woke up Monday I was laying in bed thinking about the whole situation. I was reflecting back on times with Thor, mostly on why Thor was such an influence on my life and why did his death hit me so hard. I had cried just as much as, if not more than, when my grandfather passed away a year ago.

I met Thor in 2008, so I knew him for only 3 years. I was told that when I met him he was walking and talking a decent amount and didn’t have a wheelchair but for some reason, I don’t remember any of that. I remember the whole 3 years, just not him out of his wheelchair. He got his wheelchair after he hurt his leg I believe in 2009. The Thor I remember is the one I always helped in his chair, spoon-fed his food and meds, sat next to while watching tv or reading a book, helped walk across the room for exercise, and many other things assisting him with. But I think Thor assisted ME with more than I could ever assist HIM with. While he wasn’t assisting me with the physical aspect of life, it was with something so much deeper. Just as the woman who touched Christ’s cloak was healed, anyone who got too close to Thor also was healed in some aspect. I got too close. I was sucked in. I was getting healed and I loved it. I couldn’t get enough.

In times of sadness, loneliness and even in joy Thor was the one I went to. He didn’t say anything to help me. He didn’t give me any long embrace. He would just sit next to me. It is really something that is so indescribable. Only those who knew Thor (or possibly someone like him) could really understand. The more time I spent with Thor, the more I began to learn about myself. He taught me without speaking. He taught me without even moving. Just by being himself: the Thor with Down’s Syndrome and all his hardships, weaknesses, vulnerablilities, etc. Many would say what is the point? He can’t do anything! But no! He did so much more than anyone else! He healed me more than any doctor, therapist or new age person ever could. God uses the weak to shame the strong, uses the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor 1:27).

I had looked for healing in so many different places… I know that many of them played a part. But I know for a fact that Thor was a GIANT fact in my healing process. He was there when I needed him. He was my solid friend. I could tell secrets to him and he wouldn’t tell! I loved his smiles, I knew they were genuine. I know, most of all, that he loved ME for ME. I didn’t have to be fake. I didn’t have to pretend. I could just be… me. That is what he taught me the most.

Thor gave me the gift of himself. He trusted me with his soul and his body to take care of him. Then when it was time for me to move to a new milestone in life at L’Arche, I still took a piece of him with me. Because he was such a gift in my life and helped me so much, I was prepared to take this next step to help more “Thor’s” and let me be a gift to them and them be gifts to me also.

Even though it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve seen him in Arizona, it’s still difficult. I feel like it was just yesterday since I was there. I feel like he was my big brother. I love him dearly. And it’s also hard to let go. I don’t want to be selfish. But… it’s just hard. I want to be happy that he is free… free of the physical chains that bound him. That he is now the FULLEST Thor he was meant to be. Then, that brings me to another thought… If I (along with many others) loved him THAT much with all those disabilities here on earth, how much more will we love him as the fullest Thor he is meant to be in heaven without the sicknesses due to fallen nature? Wow! It makes me long for heaven even more!

Thor Odin Swenson, Sweener the Weiner, Bu-bu- bu- bu- bu- buddddyy, I love you! And will miss you dearly.

The Human Mirror

I’m finding my time with the core members have been more and more beneficial not only for them but mostly for myself. As my co-worker Bill from my last job at St. Germaine said to me once, “spending time with them is like looking in the mirror” (or something like that).I know it sounds funny, but hear me out. You aren’t seeing an intellectually disabled person in the mirror ... instead you are seeing a different type of disabled person: disabled through sin & vice. When I am with our core people there can be times where they know EXACTLY which button to push and whether they do it on purpose or not, it is helping me look “in a mirror for my soul” and see those vices I need to work on. It isn’t them that’s the problem, it’s me and my pride, arrogance, impatience, etc. How do I know this? Because of instances such as when I moved to Prescott Valley in 2008 and couldn’t stand certain people and their personalities. But 3 years later right before moving back to MA I didn’t mind them at all. Was it because THEY changed? No. It was because I changed. I surrendered myself to Christ more and more each day and let Him change ME. Indirectly those people were holding up a mirror to me, to my soul, helping me purify it.

When the world says that people like Donald, Debbie, Katie, and the core members here at L’Arche are a “waste” and shouldn’t be born because of suffering or because they "use more than they give" or whatever excuse, it is because these people only see the core members for things they can physically do and what they can produce (i.e. jobs, college, etc). I feel those kind of people with those excuses have a lack for seeing the person as what a person really is: a human with a soul, or better said by C.S. Lewis, "... we think we are human bodies who have a soul, when in fact we are souls who have human bodies." These core members really ARE the best doctors in the world because they help fix the most important part of the human person: the soul, the part we so often forget about… the part that WILL last forever and needs to stay as healthy as possible. I need to remind myself every day: how did I take care of my soul today as well (or better) as I did my body?

The Unintentional Witness

Many times in life I think to myself, shoot, I wish I could witness to this person, or that person. Or “I wish I could be a better evangelist, or witness, in general to others.” One thing I have realized is if I continue to surrender my ENTIRE self (my will, soul, desires, past, present and future, etc) then God can do enormous things through me, and with anyone.

I have a Surrender Prayer someone gave me which I pray every morning and have been doing for about 10 months. At first I didn’t notice anything big changing in my life, but I knew I needed to pray this prayer every day. It wasn’t until recently when I did a personal examination one weekend of my life where I realized the surrender part was taking action. I wasn’t just saying the words but was actually DOING it. I was surrendering my will and letting Christ take my will and do with me what He pleases.

Many times my will is being fearful of what others will think of me if I share my faith, morals and beliefs. But Christ in me and acting through me after surrendering is opposite. It is the deliverance of all fear and having peace in the midst of just being the true me while I live my faith, morals and beliefs. I may not have to outwardly preach them and tell everyone what they are. But if I live them and be not ashamed, others will see that I am proud and truly love it and live it for what it is. THEN they will want more. That is TRUE witness and TRUE evangelization.

There have been occasions of theological debate where people go on and on and it never gets anywhere because the person against the Catholic/Christian topic I am trying for hasn’t seen it preached and lived in love. Therefore why should they believe? And honestly, I agree.

I have been reading Abby Johnson’s book Unplanned about her journey from working for Planned Parenthood to becoming pro-life and working for Coalition for Life. Carrying this book around, not knowing what other people’s stance on abortion is in the L’Arche community where I just began working and living at … well… I was risking it. But I can’t hide who I am and I can’t hide the truth: that abortion is murder. So I brought this book to the beach with those I work and hang out with and it started good conversation. In fact, one of the assistants asked if she could look at the book on the ride home. She read the first chapter and was shocked. I found out she has the same stance as myself. Not only did it spark a conversation at the beach but also when I had it at my doctor's office. He asked what it was about and on and on...

Just by carrying the book, I was a witness. By what we read, what we say, how we act, how we love (or don’t love) ... by our everything we are witnesses. And we can be witnesses to Christ, to love, to sacrifice, to the world, to money, to hate, to evil, to Satan. What are you a witness to?

A Rose with Thorns? Or Thorns with a Rose?

Since my last update, I have gone through a few different events where I feel this statement sums it up: Does a rose have thorns… or do thorns have a rose?

It makes me think of the common phrase, “Do you see the glass half full or half empty?” Even though some people answer one or the other, some may give the witty answer, “I’m happy I at least have a glass.”

St. Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 12 his thorn in the flesh. I mentioned in one of my updates that there is someone here who is my thorn in my flesh. I’ve realized we constantly discover these "thorns", consciously or unconsciously, and they help us grow deeper in Christ. They help us grow stronger and finally help us press into Christ and his love and mercy.

When I think of a thorn, it doesn’t seem to pleasant. I think of pain, bleeding, having to dig it out after it sticks in my finger. But the beautiful part is that the most common place we see thorns is on a rose. And we enjoy roses for so many occasions: love, birthdays, anniversaries, just-because-days, etc. The rose is what we normally enjoy, not the thorn. In fact, many of us will cut off the thorns so we DON’T hurt ourselves… not realizing the importance of the thorns… that they supply and hold water to the rose. Even if we put the rose in water, the rose won’t get as much as it would have with the thorns attached.

It’s the same for us… for me at least. So many times I try to ignore or get rid of the pain and suffering in my life. And I’m not only talking about physical. I’m also talking about those people who I can’t stand, the situations in life which I can’t control, etc. The things that just irk me… the things that would remind me of a splinter/thorn under the flesh. I think, “Lord, can’t I just have the rose? Why the thorns too??” While I may not get the answer, He knows the reason. He is the Creator, the One who put together the Divine Plan. He knows how the “thorns” in my life cooperate and work together with the “roses” in my life… or with anything else for that matter.
So up comes the question from the beginning: is your life a rose with thorns… or is it thorns with a rose? It may seem the same thing, but if you think about it, there is a difference… at least in my mind there is

The Thorn in the Flesh as the Instrument to Better Service

So I am back! After quite a long time!! There are going to be lots of L'Arche updates, talking about reflections with my core members here at L'Arche Irenicon. Some of these you may (or may not) have read if you received emails from me.

Debbie is similar to JC, who I used to help out with in Arizona. Debbie and I ended up spending A LOT of time this afternoon and evening together, not by choice but because we had to. I figured welp, I'm gonna make the best of this. At dinner she would not stop complaining about her new diet plan she has to be on. She recently found out she is diabetic. The doctor put her on the same type of diet I'm on and she has to check her sugar twice a day. She HATES it. So this evening she was more like Harry who Bill used to take care of who passed away last year: complain, complain, complain.

After dinner I helped give her a bath (she only needs a tad of assistance) and I don't know why but it was at that moment that my view of her changed. It's almost like the station of the cross, where Jesus was stripped of his clothes. (ok getting choked up now)... It's like, as if she wasn't vulnerable enough before, now she is even stripped of her clothes, down to her nothingness, she even needs help washing herself. ::sigh:: I felt for her Another assistant Colleen was the one washing her. Debbie and I locked eyes for what seemed like forever and it seemed like we had a conversation without words, one where I felt I said "I'm sorry you have to go through this" and where she replied, "I'm sorry you feel sorry.". I COULDN'T be upset at her. Now... I know there will be times I will forget that moment and I will let the frustration take over (fight between the flesh and the spirit!) but that moment was worth it all!

It gets even better... after her shower it was time for her next glucose test. She was complaining again. I thought hey, why not test mine too... monkey see monkey do. I pulled mine out and her face lit up and she smiled. She asked me why do I have one, I told her it was because I’m hypoglycemic, I have something similar to her diabetes. Then she smiled again and stopped complaining. I told her from now on I will test mine with her sometimes and she said, "And we can go through the pain together." I smiled and said "Yup! Definetely."

Even better... ready... Then Noland remembered we didn't do her topicals yet. So lucky me got to do more with Debbie. And her topicals are put on the best place... the feet. So on go the gloves and as I sit there on the floor, putting on the creams on her toes and feet, all I could think about was John's gospel on Holy Thursday ... Jesus told his disciples, so I have done unto you, so you should do to others. And flashes of different images kept going through my mind: of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet, then of this past Triduum when Fr. Dan washed mine and the thoughts going through my mind at that time like what is God calling me to do and whose "feet" am I called to "wash"... etc etc. Then when I was done I said to Debbie, "Ok chica. You're all set!" "Chica? What's that?" she asked so joyfully. "Well it's a nickname kind of thing." Then she smiled in such a happy way that I haven't seen yet and I could tell she was just glowing. And it put such a joy in my heart.

So even though I didn't find an answer from Tom in the office on the exact details of the "how" to deal with JC's or Debbie's, I believe God provides opportunities to deal with them, we just have to keep our eyes and hearts open. Wash their feet. Meet them where they are at. Suffer with them. While I know it's not going to be cake and flowers the whole road down, I'm glad God gave me a ray of light. I'm also glad that I stayed at the house tonight to type this out and reflect on it versus going out with the assistants to a party. Again... the balancing act between prayer and fun...